


Even Villains Need Vacations

by M1dn1ght_Star



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Spying, Crack, Gen, Harry is suspicious, Mr. Awesome - Freeform, Out of Character, Vacations, do not copy to another site, glamours, harry will do anything for treacle tart, no one insults voldys pajamas, terrible decisions, treacle tart must be protecc from evil dark lords, voldy needs vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 06:56:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21490225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M1dn1ght_Star/pseuds/M1dn1ght_Star
Summary: Even Villains Need Vacations starring Voldy trying to take a vacation in peace ft. Harry ruining it
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Even Villains Need Vacations

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of this at 3 am. Hope you enjoy my hopefully not too cringy attempt at humor and crack.

It was the end of Harry’s fourth year, the last task of the Triwizard Tournament, and he truly believed he must be losing his mind. Voldemort had just stopped fighting him all of a sudden, muttered something to himself, nodded, and waved his wand, causing a suitcase of all things to appear. He waved goodbye to his Death Eaters and said something that sounded suspiciously like ‘all right, see ya next year.’ and twisted on the spot, Apparating away, leaving behind the faint words, “Here I come France-” The Death Eaters also seemed a little confused but quickly recovered, disappearing as suddenly as they’d come. 

Resigning himself to the fact that he had apparently gone insane, Harry wandered over to where Cedric was laying on the ground next to the Triwizard Cup. The older boy had been stunned instead of killed as he’d feared and Harry breathed a sigh of relief, casting the counter and helping him up before grasping onto the portkey and away they went. 

They arrived back to the school in a heap on the ground in front of the stands that had been put up for spectators and cheers went up from the Hogwarts students. Fleur and Krum were both being treated in the Hospital Wing, and Madame Pomfrey fussed over the two boys, dragging them away as well. They endured her attentions until she finally cleared them to leave and return to the Great Hall, where there would be a celebration for them. 

Resolving to put aside the issues revolving in his brain for later, Harry promised a quiet Cedric that they’d talk later and they went into the hall together, accepting their winnings and the constant scrutiny and congratulations from the staff, students, and reporters alike. 

Later, after the party was over, Harry pulled Cedric into a quiet corridor and explained a story he made up as he went of a creature that had stunned him right as they grabbed the cup, since the other boy had already admitted his memories were foggy and jumbled. He couldn’t tell him anything about Voldemort or his strange behavior, at least not before he had the chance to talk to Dumbledore. 

When he tried to tell the Headmaster about the encounter however, the wizard refused to believe him and instead insisted that he must have been cursed in some way or sustained a concussion that was interfering with his mind. No one else he tried to talk to about it believed him either, so he made a secret evil plan to go to France and find out what Voldemort was up to.

He waited until the end of the year had come and they had gone back to Platform 9 and ¾ by train, said farewell to their friends, and then evaded the Dursleys by ducking into a floo fireplace and going to Diagon Alley, with a bad fake mustache and trench coat as a disguise. He went to a beauty store that specializes in glamours and bought some, using a very bad fake accent and grinning at his success as he left, not hearing the shopkeeper trying to calm down the traumatized shop assistant who was rambling about a strange man who wouldn’t stop talking about finding out what he was up to and kept stroking his fake mustache a lot when he spoke. 

Equipped with his new (and much more effective) disguise, Harry chose a new fake name for himself and marched off to the international portkey department of the Ministry. The poor lady at the desk was just minding her own business when a giant man with neon green hair and an orange dress came marching stiffly into the office, introduced himself as Mr. Awesome, and demanded a portkey to France. Terrified, she complied as quickly as possible, desperate to get this strange person away from her. 

Meanwhile in France, Voldy was relaxing on the beach, wearing a pair of sunglasses and eating some treacle tart, ignoring the strange looks he got from passerby. After all, it’s not like he was still wearing his evil dark lord robe or anything. He’d changed into a nice casual outfit and flip flops as soon as he’d arrived, it was much too hot for anything else. He couldn’t really risk Magical France, because you know, evil dark lord, but he’d found a nice muggle beach to relax on. 

His peace was interrupted when a giant man with bright green hair wearing an orange sundress appeared out of nowhere, holding onto a stapler. The man spotted him and suddenly charged at him, diving towards him and Voldy dug into his pocket for his wand, only to stare confused after the strange man when they stole his treacle tart and ran away. Shrugging, he got up and went back to his hotel, digging in his suitcase for a slightly nicer outfit. He’d made a reservation for dinner at a nice restaurant that evening and it didn’t hurt to get ready a little early. 

Voldemort was enjoying his fettuccine alfredo in peace when he caught sight of something bright near the door. Glancing over, he saw the same man from earlier, now wearing a blue skirt and a pink shirt. He went back to his meal and looked up again when he felt someone watching him. The man was seated at a table across the restaurant and was staring at him through badly cut holes in a newspaper. Rather than be concerned, the evil dark lord just shrugged and finished his pasta. He was on vacation and whoever that was wasn’t really doing a good job of spying on him, so he wasn’t worried. 

Back at his hotel room, he was getting ready for bed when there was a knock on the door. Forgetting to check who it was through the peephole, he opened the door only to blink in surprise when the strange man was standing there. “Can I help you?” he asked.

The man seemed to be having a mental breakdown of some sorts and was chanting ‘Freaking pajamas’ repeatedly. Voldy looked down at his nice grey pajamas with little snake decorations in confusion. His pajamas were perfectly nice, thank you. 

Offended by the rude man who didn’t like his clothes, Voldy slammed the door in his face and went to bed, huffing in annoyance childishly. Was it too much to ask for to have a vacation in peace?


End file.
